Love is a necessary force for any human to survive; to feel, to remain complete. We as mind-evolving people try to figure out what love can do for us daily; but do we understand it? Do we truly know what love is? Have we really experienced it? What is its purpose?
He takes you out and buys you nice things… But how does your heart feel? Have you guys grown together? Have you grown as individuals? What are his aspirations in life? What are yours? When you speak about the future is it ‘we’ or ‘me’? What does he want to accomplish? What do you want to accomplish? Does he pray for you? Do you pray for yourself?
Everyone doesn’t find their love at the age of five in a playground, or at a basketball game in high school, or during homecoming in college. Often time’s people lose themselves in lieu of what they perceive love to be.
I think as we grow older, we endure times where we lose track of what is and isn’t. There’s disconnect between our mind and our actions. We become blind; numb in some cases. When it comes to love, I’ve seen people lose themselves entirely by the idea of someone loving them, when that love wasn’t even present. There is a difference between being loved and being cared about. I can speak from my own experience and say that it isn’t the prettiest picture to paint.
I loved someone, but I was more so fixated on the idea of that person being mine. Claiming me. Leaning on me. I held him down. But we weren’t in love; I hurt him in ways where one shouldn’t have to fathom that type of pain. Then that same pain was reciprocated right back to me; we matched each other’s carelessness and forgot our purpose for being together.
The relationship was over before it started. We said we loved each other, but the journey was a constant battle. More tears of pain than tears of joy. My mind became so cloudy; I didn’t even know what I was involved with anymore. This wasn’t a relationship. We held on because we felt like we needed to. Love isn’t an obligation; it’s something that you should want to do/feel, it’s something you cherish.
I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t want to let go, nor did I want to be alone. Being alone was one of my biggest fears… but when the water ran dry, I had to pick up the pieces and rebuild myself. I felt like I didn’t have anyone and I didn’t know how to accept the pain of being without him.
See, I wasn’t raised to be weak or dependent on anyone; it took time, several months to almost a year to be exact because my heart yearned to be loved. But I realized I was happier without him, I thought differently, I laughed more, and I was content. I started to love myself again. I realized that I’m a gem and I could preserve my worth on my own.
It’s a process to appreciate one’s solitude because you aimlessly spend time thinking. It’s as if your mind is a blank canvas and all of your thoughts are being thrown in millions of colors and it’s jumbled. You just have to breathe, because baby girl life goes on. Life is actually great and whoever decides to give you their all will bless you the way God intended them to do so. So you may mess up here and there, and your judgement may not always be the best, but when that love comes in all its innocence and purity, you will be the most fulfilled woman in the world. Don’t look for love, let it come to you. Stand your ground and love the hell out of yourself, because if you can’t love yourself, how can you love anybody else? – signed a self-loving black girl