“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.”
I’ve completely clocked out this year and have been trying to put myself back together. My energy hasn’t been the same, and I’ve had writer’s block for almost half of the year. I’m not myself - I haven’t been myself; there have been times where I’ve laid down for hours trying to remember who I am. At the beginning of this year, I was in such a positive place and was on this healthy high of eagerness. I was ready to dabble into my craft and expand as a writer. I’d planned stories and ideas out for months, announced my change in focus and when it was time to get busy, nothing that I wanted to do went according to plan. No photographer, no videographer, false promises and shaky hands. I felt like I wasn’t being taken seriously by anyone and it discouraged me completely. I sounded like a broken record trying to explain my ideas to people only to have them forgotten by them the following morning. I’m not sure if I was angry with myself or with them; it was definitely a mixture of both. I’d like to think that I’m an extremely supportive person; when I can show up, I do. When I can contribute, I do. When I can spend a dollar, I do. So when I am in need of assistance, why has it been so hard to feel that same love? I’m a creator, I am sensitive about my shit, and if things are not going according to plan, or if I can’t create things that I want to, I shut down. So no, I haven’t written a single piece since January; my heart just felt broken and empty. I didn’t understand who my friends/associates were and I didn’t want to explain myself to them because I was tired, so I just drifted away.
I received my physical college degree in the mail in the midst of all of this, and another wave of emotions took over. I graduated in 2014… I don’t have a job in my field and I’ve been struggling to make ends meet with the job that I do have. I stared at my degree for a while at my parent’s house and left it there. I didn’t want to hang it up, because I‘m not proud; I haven’t benefited at all from this piece of paper that so many people die to receive. So here I am again, questioning so many things; questioning myself. That is what has taken place during this 5 month period, I have been assessing myself constantly. I have been trying to figure out what I’ve done wrong, what am I supposed to do to make things better, and I’ve gone back into that hole of stressing about things that I do not have control over. I’m adamant about letting go and moving forward, but I have been mentally stuck in the past, while dealing with overwhelming factors of the present and can barely paint a picture for my future. I’m fairly disheveled and there isn’t any other way to put it. I’ve become bitter with myself because I’m not happy with my situation and when I’ve taken steps to change things without a productive result, I fall right back to where I was without any progress.
I’ve turned into that person that will clean the entire house at 2 or 3 in the morning in silence. I will take a cold shower for an hour and daze out, not remembering a single thing that I was thinking about. I will cry all morning, wash my face and be in a public setting or meet up with someone and act like nothing happened before. I’ve become that person that doesn’t have any answers, changes subjects and just avoids topics related to me. I’ll go out here and there, I’m comedic on social media, but those are just distractions from my issues. When someone new is trying to get to know me, I will overthink and second guess my every move; my insecurity is at an all time high and it ruins things from ever working out and I stress about it only for a moment thinking “it’s probably better off this way anyways, I should be alone”. It’s like even if I genuinely wanted to like someone or feel deeply for them, my mind won’t let me; I don’t want to be someone’s burden or have someone take pity on me, so I don’t emotionally invest myself. I purchased a light kit for photo shoots and to record things in my apartment, that I had set up in my dining area for months and since I didn’t care to write, I decided to take everything down and put it away. While doing that, one of the light fixtures fell and shattered all over my floor. I wasn’t upset, I just stared at all of the broken pieces and felt like that was me. I feel like I’m all over the place and I’m taking my time putting the pieces back together.
All of these events just fueled a funk that occurs ever so often; a period of depression. At the beginning of the year, I thought I was too happy, so I was actually waiting for something bad to happen that either caused anxiety, or some type of episode and I would make a note of it. “First cry due to anxiety - 1/22/19” was in my notes and I kept up with it until there were too many to make note of. Trying to describe how I felt to just about anyone has been such a hard task, because at that moment, I struggle to articulate how I feel and actually say it. I’m a descriptive and wordsy writer, so this act of not knowing how to put the words together was a first; it happened frequently. Going into this second half of the year I got hit with more personal issues that took me to a very low and dark place. I stayed off of social media, stayed away from friends and just took a mental break. I needed to think long and hard for the sake of my sanity. I needed to understand that what I was currently going through is only temporary and grasp the term that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. The right people reached out to me at the right moments; I’m forever grateful. After being told “You have a great outlook on life. Good things happen to good people like you”, it sort of woke me up and I know I have a lot of to get done for the rest of the year.
I know what my purpose is and I’m working on tackling my emotions and re-building the creative I am destined to be. I love writing; we all know that and I’m ready to be done with this hiatus because my lane is ready to be paved and there’s so much work to do. I’m only human and I go through things just like anyone else. I’m constantly Evolving and bettering myself everyday. Time to Focus. #LetsRelate