THIS ARTICLE IS ABOUT: EMBODYING RAKIYAG
OWNING EVERY ASPECT OF ME. MY INDEPENDENCE. MY BLACKNESS. MY SEXUALITY. MY HEART. MY SANITY. MY BODY. MY HAPPINESS. MY STRENGTH. MY PURPOSE. THIS IS NOT A SAPPY PIECE, I HAVE A LOT TO GET DONE AND A LOT TO ACCOMPLISH AND I REFUSE TO ALLOW LIFE TO GET THE BEST OF ME. ENJOY.
I’ve spent this entire year figuring myself out; what/who I like, what/who I don’t like. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone willingly and really came in-tune with my spirit. She’s feisty, intrigued, struggling with optimism yet very strong. She doesn’t take anyone’s shit. She’s imperfect and makes mistakes. She’s hurt people but she’s learning. Learning how to take accountability for actions, forgive, learning how to soften up, learning how to love. She’s learning how to conquer life because it has been spiraling constantly. This year has been so draining. My creativity was stunted by so many issues and I let it take over from time and time again. I had a total of 12 pieces published last year, and this year only three were shared. I’m disappointed in myself for letting my issues get the best of me and take away from creating.
This is not who I am. I love the progress I’ve made with RakiyaG.com, and I apologize for my absence. Today makes two years since I’ve launched and I’m ready to get back into my routine. I’m ready to interact with my readers every other week about topics that matter and resonate with you; I owe you that. During my hiatus, so many people reached out asking about my next piece and it always pained me to not have an answer; I was struggling with a lot. Life is a constant journey that we are all figuring out with our own experiences. I’ve battled with depression, trauma, major anxiety and it all took a toll on me. I’ve gotten into cringe-worthy situations that I am not proud of, but I still move on, as that is what life forces you to do. With all of these factors, I still vowed to love myself unconditionally. I took my health seriously; I took my heart seriously. I still struggle with communication because of fear and doubt, and I’ve made strides to work on it. As confident as people may seem, you would be surprised by the things that they’re scared of. (personal observation) Be that as it may, I can say that I’ve been very vocal in situations where one was trying to change me. I stuck up for myself when people were trying to dim my light; I didn’t tolerate it. I change for no one; I evolve on my own terms for my benefit only. I actually listened to myself and grasped what was needed of me.
There’s a far bigger picture here though. There is a lack of black journalists who actually write pieces with substance, with meaning, with purpose. Yes, there are platforms out there that are getting work done, but I need to follow suit and create as much as possible. Regardless of how minuscule my platform may be compared to platforms that are already established because they were white-washed and needed inclusion and created a sub-platform geared toward women/people of color, [ha] my site has been organically black from the very start and my consistency will surely take me to places where I want/need to be. Not writing took opportunities away from me for the moment, because I didn’t have anything to show for it. Regardless of what life throws at you, you have to remain consistent. You have to keep writing, posting, shooting, singing, whatever it is that you love and want to profit from, you have to stick with it no matter what. I can easily deactivate this platform and take my recently new job seriously, but at the end of the day, what I do at my 9 to 5, is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. This is. Having full creative control. Having my own schedule for posts. Having something in MY name is what matters to me the most.
I’ve had these long talks with myself throughout the year on things that I’ve wanted to accomplish mentally and physically. Overall, I wanted to feel/be grounded. For a period of time, I was honestly lost and I didn’t know or have an expectation of what was next for me. It’s that period of life where you just exist and not really feel anything or react to anything; a numbness that I hate going through and at one point it became very familiar to me. Having a purpose is what gets me through these times, because I always envision my future with success and doing exactly what I want to do. Creating on my platform is my vice. It’s made me so happy and continues to do so. It’s gotten me recognition, panel events, collaborations all within my community. I can really make something out of myself if I simply let go and live.
When I think about the future, I don’t see myself going through the predicaments that I find myself in now. You’re supposed to struggle for a while or be unsure of things before anything gets better. I’ve vented to friends about how unfair life can be, and their response is always aligned with this theory of “everything happens for a reason”, which I too believe in. I’m supposed to deal with some hardships. I’m supposed to lose people. Things are just supposed to be ugly for a moment in time before they become beautiful and just. Lately, everything has been beautiful to me. The way things are slowly turning around for me. The way people care about me. Instead of feeling lost, I feel somewhat planted and I’m slowly blooming again. I’m ready to take charge and create lanes for more women of color. I want to see more bosses with afros, more queens in suits, just more of everything. Create a confidence in your craft, your body, your soul. All that time I took thinking about what was next for me, I always told myself that I was important and that I have a job to do. The alignment is in the making and anything that seems to tear me down, cannot do so in any way, shape or form.
I’ve gone through hopefully the worst and I’m ready to go through the absolute best. I know there are a lot of you going through similar situations and I want you to know that this isn’t the end and you’ll get through it all. Go after what you want and never look back.