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Life

Filtering by Tag: Reset

Evolving

Rakiya George

“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.”

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I’ve completely clocked out this year and have been trying to put myself back together. My energy hasn’t been the same, and I’ve had writer’s block for almost half of the year. I’m not myself - I haven’t been myself; there have been times where I’ve laid down for hours trying to remember who I am. At the beginning of this year, I was in such a positive place and was on this healthy high of eagerness. I was ready to dabble into my craft and expand as a writer. I’d planned stories and ideas out for months, announced my change in focus and when it was time to get busy, nothing that I wanted to do went according to plan. No photographer, no videographer, false promises and shaky hands. I felt like I wasn’t being taken seriously by anyone and it discouraged me completely. I sounded like a broken record trying to explain my ideas to people only to have them forgotten by them the following morning. I’m not sure if I was angry with myself or with them; it was definitely a mixture of both. I’d like to think that I’m an extremely supportive person; when I can show up, I do. When I can contribute, I do. When I can spend a dollar, I do. So when I am in need of assistance, why has it been so hard to feel that same love? I’m a creator, I am sensitive about my shit, and if things are not going according to plan, or if I can’t create things that I want to, I shut down. So no, I haven’t written a single piece since January; my heart just felt broken and empty. I didn’t understand who my friends/associates were and I didn’t want to explain myself to them because I was tired, so I just drifted away.

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I received my physical college degree in the mail in the midst of all of this, and another wave of emotions took over. I graduated in 2014… I don’t have a job in my field and I’ve been struggling to make ends meet with the job that I do have. I stared at my degree for a while at my parent’s house and left it there. I didn’t want to hang it up, because I‘m not proud; I haven’t benefited at all from this piece of paper that so many people die to receive. So here I am again, questioning so many things; questioning myself. That is what has taken place during this 5 month period, I have been assessing myself constantly. I have been trying to figure out what I’ve done wrong, what am I supposed to do to make things better, and I’ve gone back into that hole of stressing about things that I do not have control over. I’m adamant about letting go and moving forward, but I have been mentally stuck in the past, while dealing with overwhelming factors of the present and can barely paint a picture for my future. I’m fairly disheveled and there isn’t any other way to put it. I’ve become bitter with myself because I’m not happy with my situation and when I’ve taken steps to change things without a productive result, I fall right back to where I was without any progress.

Evolving + Resilience

Evolving + Resilience

I’ve turned into that person that will clean the entire house at 2 or 3 in the morning in silence. I will take a cold shower for an hour and daze out, not remembering a single thing that I was thinking about. I will cry all morning, wash my face and be in a public setting or meet up with someone and act like nothing happened before. I’ve become that person that doesn’t have any answers, changes subjects and just avoids topics related to me. I’ll go out here and there, I’m comedic on social media, but those are just distractions from my issues. When someone new is trying to get to know me, I will overthink and second guess my every move; my insecurity is at an all time high and it ruins things from ever working out and I stress about it only for a moment thinking “it’s probably better off this way anyways, I should be alone”. It’s like even if I genuinely wanted to like someone or feel deeply for them, my mind won’t let me; I don’t want to be someone’s burden or have someone take pity on me, so I don’t emotionally invest myself. I purchased a light kit for photo shoots and to record things in my apartment, that I had set up in my dining area for months and since I didn’t care to write, I decided to take everything down and put it away. While doing that, one of the light fixtures fell and shattered all over my floor. I wasn’t upset, I just stared at all of the broken pieces and felt like that was me. I feel like I’m all over the place and I’m taking my time putting the pieces back together.

All of these events just fueled a funk that occurs ever so often; a period of depression. At the beginning of the year, I thought I was too happy, so I was actually waiting for something bad to happen that either caused anxiety, or some type of episode and I would make a note of it. “First cry due to anxiety - 1/22/19” was in my notes and I kept up with it until there were too many to make note of. Trying to describe how I felt to just about anyone has been such a hard task, because at that moment, I struggle to articulate how I feel and actually say it. I’m a descriptive and wordsy writer, so this act of not knowing how to put the words together was a first; it happened frequently. Going into this second half of the year I got hit with more personal issues that took me to a very low and dark place. I stayed off of social media, stayed away from friends and just took a mental break. I needed to think long and hard for the sake of my sanity. I needed to understand that what I was currently going through is only temporary and grasp the term that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. The right people reached out to me at the right moments; I’m forever grateful. After being told “You have a great outlook on life. Good things happen to good people like you”, it sort of woke me up and I know I have a lot of to get done for the rest of the year.

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I know what my purpose is and I’m working on tackling my emotions and re-building the creative I am destined to be. I love writing; we all know that and I’m ready to be done with this hiatus because my lane is ready to be paved and there’s so much work to do. I’m only human and I go through things just like anyone else. I’m constantly Evolving and bettering myself everyday. Time to Focus. #LetsRelate

RESET

Rakiya George

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
— Rumi

I took a much needed break and focused on prioritizing my life. I made a major decision and decided to move out and be an actual adult all on my own. The whole process of re-adjusting was surreal at first, but I am still getting in the swing of things. It's a comforting feeling to have a long day at work and then come home to your home. Your morning dishes that you left in the sink, your hairbrush that you left on the counter, your space.

Captured at  Home.

Captured at Home.

Moving ignited a weird shift in the people that I found myself close with as both ends had a sudden disconnect. That process of understanding why there was a switch up in the first place bothered me for such a long time until I confronted each person one by one. It is imperative to check on those around you, however I believe in matching someone's energy, and if that isn't being reciprocated in return, I am not wasting it. Your energy is valuable, and it cannot be wasted on those that are not genuine or memorable. You have to understand that you cannot hold onto every person that you want to cherish; people outgrow each other as well as situations everyday; it's a part of life. 

Captured at  Home.

Captured at Home.

This is a period in my life where I am okay with letting certain habits go as well as people. Recurring patterns of disloyalty or trust or whatever you feel isn't right, isn't healthy. People get molded into doormats everyday and I refuse to follow suit. This month of moving has made me realize more intimate details about myself everyday little by little. I do not have the same mind set as I've had before; as many of my readers know, I say this a lot because we as people are forever changing! Life is constantly in motion. I've had a major life change and I've been nothing but appreciative of those who have been around me, supported me, and remained true to who they were to me. 

Captured at  Home.

Captured at Home.

I'm steadily finding my rhythm and adoring the person I'm becoming. Moving has caused a small reset mentally. I've clearly been spending more time by myself and I'm Loving IT. Upon moving, I was told that I'm going to discover things I didn't know about myself and I am honestly discovering things everyday. Your twenties is a time for self discovery, where you are understanding that you do not need any and everything. I am still pursuing my career, not worrying about things I have no control over, and still cautiously planning my every move. It is empowering to have something to call your own. Think about how you felt when you received your college degree years ago or even recently, or how you felt after getting your first car; it's humbling. To know that you put effort into achieving something is rewarding and negative thoughts/people mean absolutely nothing; those factors can never steal your shine. I'm happy to say that this accomplishment is motivating me to knock more things off of my list for the year and enjoy life the way that I'm supposed to.

More dope pieces to come!